And On We Blindly Stumble! 3.4

Alright so my closest friend is being an asshole and basically doesnt want me around, I really dont care at this point, seeing as how he would rather hang around with white people. As a result this weekend is going to be really boring.

The past month has been filled with so much grief, so much stress and things are supposed be getting better, its one of those times in which I dont think I was meant to be happy. Everytime something good comes by something else goes out of whack and it turns into a piss poor situation in which things go from bad to just plain dog shit.

But anyho I try not to let it get to me, work is good, so are my coworkers. Ready to start a new life back home and trying to figure out how I am going to get my tax refund in weeks instead of months.

As on the work issue, Thursdays are beginning to turn out rather dramatic; Called the fire department two Thursdays ago because we cound smell gasoline coming from a group of cars,we didnt want anyone or the Activity center to go up in a ball of flame so we called them and advised the closest cars if they could wait, one girl overreacted and brought her asshat boyfriend over, but the fire dept was obliged to lend a hand and nobody got hurt. This week we called the police department because a boot was tampered with, we come to this vehicle to get the boot off and it obviously looks as though someone tried to twist it off, the guy comes out and asks for it to be removed asap, we say we cant and call out a campus police officer to assist us in removing the boot, guy goes back into the building and does not come out as we take pictures and finally remove the boot, officer observing that any damage done to the rim was not our fault, the guy comes out and the officer has a stern conversation with him. That was the excitement of our Thursdays.

They also changed my hours too, now I work 4 full 8 hour days with one hour for lunch. It frees up my Fridays but is exhausting for the most part. spending at least 7 hours a day walking outside. But I get an extra Friday off so its no problem. Last week I got the most parking tickets out of everyone, (even the veteran officers). So THursday he treated me out to lunch at this little mexican restaurant a little ways from the university. It was great. Now I have a taste for mexican.

I am ready to leave this place before anything else happens.

Behold the results of my training.
It hurt it really did.



We look cool, until we get sprayed.



Ouch




Trying to force my eyes open




Going through Decon




Still going through Decon



Braving it and trying to get the wind in my face




Trying to wipe down the OC




Trying not to feel the burning




Still in pain



Feeling a little better




A half hour later, still burns but feels a lot better




We all ended up surviving

Over the weekend I cleaned up a bit at my apartment and when I got to my closet, I realized I never really unpacked when I moved here almost a year ago this month. I had a box of papers, stationery, notes from classes, notes from other people, even photos from high school and my short time on campus. Its like discovering new memories, some pleasent, some memorable, some that are not worth mulling over, its a whole new life I unpacked, dusty and crinkled, among the memorables: whats left of a birthday gift from a surprise birthday, my first away from home; an unsent Thanksgiving card, lost is the intended recipient; and an unsent birthday gift to a now extinct good friend.

It made me pine for the old times when I still knew a lot of my friends, almost all of them from high school, before they bombed out first semester of college, before they forgot who they were, before they just went away. The days we spent shooting the prverbial shite. Memories of a former life that was too short, a life that was unfulfilled and unrealized. Unknown to us as college freshmen the realities of self discipline and the hard facts of life that waited for us each day, and as the years passed life's hardships would claim us one by one, a casualty of the life we wanted to live, a life now impossible as we aged, and in rare cases, matured.

Now most of them have moved on, returning to school, attempting to move out of lifes hardships, or accepting their lifestyles and working with it. Most I know have gone to other places, some will be going other places soon. Graduation, Travel, Career opportunities. All these have moved people along, as I am going to do. A jumpstart on life that will hopefully pay off and make moving through life a little less painful.

And it goes on for me to think about all the hings I have done up to this point, most people would say that the things that have happened in the past I ahve shaped them into the person they are today, and that theoy would not change what has happened to them in the past, whether bad or good. Me there are so many things I wish I could have done differently, so many what ifs; what if I did this differently? what if I said this instead of thta? what if i actually talked to this certain person more? what if I let this person know about my feelings or views? Would things have changed for the better? Would I not be on the brink of an emotional meltdown if I told her how i felt, or just to simply talk to her, instead of letting my social disorders cloud my judgement.
As moving day these things come upon me, strangely I am an emotional person that does not like radical change in my life, like what will be going on, within the next few months things will change and I am just afraid at what is on the horizon, what is there that I cannot see, that I cannot even imagine. How will I take it all, will my friends be fine? will they even care or notice that I will not be there anymore? I expect them not to, for it is routine for normal people to take in stride the changes that life brings, I, on the other hand, cannot look to the future of change and evolution of mind without being truly frightened of how it will affect me or how it will change things. I guess what I am trying to hint is that I dont ike change, especially something as radical as this.