And On We Blindly Stumble! 3.4

Over the weekend I cleaned up a bit at my apartment and when I got to my closet, I realized I never really unpacked when I moved here almost a year ago this month. I had a box of papers, stationery, notes from classes, notes from other people, even photos from high school and my short time on campus. Its like discovering new memories, some pleasent, some memorable, some that are not worth mulling over, its a whole new life I unpacked, dusty and crinkled, among the memorables: whats left of a birthday gift from a surprise birthday, my first away from home; an unsent Thanksgiving card, lost is the intended recipient; and an unsent birthday gift to a now extinct good friend.

It made me pine for the old times when I still knew a lot of my friends, almost all of them from high school, before they bombed out first semester of college, before they forgot who they were, before they just went away. The days we spent shooting the prverbial shite. Memories of a former life that was too short, a life that was unfulfilled and unrealized. Unknown to us as college freshmen the realities of self discipline and the hard facts of life that waited for us each day, and as the years passed life's hardships would claim us one by one, a casualty of the life we wanted to live, a life now impossible as we aged, and in rare cases, matured.

Now most of them have moved on, returning to school, attempting to move out of lifes hardships, or accepting their lifestyles and working with it. Most I know have gone to other places, some will be going other places soon. Graduation, Travel, Career opportunities. All these have moved people along, as I am going to do. A jumpstart on life that will hopefully pay off and make moving through life a little less painful.

And it goes on for me to think about all the hings I have done up to this point, most people would say that the things that have happened in the past I ahve shaped them into the person they are today, and that theoy would not change what has happened to them in the past, whether bad or good. Me there are so many things I wish I could have done differently, so many what ifs; what if I did this differently? what if I said this instead of thta? what if i actually talked to this certain person more? what if I let this person know about my feelings or views? Would things have changed for the better? Would I not be on the brink of an emotional meltdown if I told her how i felt, or just to simply talk to her, instead of letting my social disorders cloud my judgement.
As moving day these things come upon me, strangely I am an emotional person that does not like radical change in my life, like what will be going on, within the next few months things will change and I am just afraid at what is on the horizon, what is there that I cannot see, that I cannot even imagine. How will I take it all, will my friends be fine? will they even care or notice that I will not be there anymore? I expect them not to, for it is routine for normal people to take in stride the changes that life brings, I, on the other hand, cannot look to the future of change and evolution of mind without being truly frightened of how it will affect me or how it will change things. I guess what I am trying to hint is that I dont ike change, especially something as radical as this.